It is hard to figure out what it is with 'Indian Parents' and 'Indian's" in general with 'Marriage.' Things that stunned even the most liberal and non-orthodox parents remold their perspective when their children grasp the tag of "marriageable age." However, this varies to every religion, caste, creed, and social status. Some people consider their daughter as the responsibility to get rid of for the sake of marriage. Neglecting the fact that it is an embark of their daughter's rights of liberty and freedom.
Many Indian middle-class clans believe that the higher their children's education, the moneyed and wealthy in-laws will be. Worse can be you are emotionally blackmailed and forced to get married, which some adults accept to do—leaving their childhood dreams and aspirations behind for the sake of their parent's happiness. You all must be familiar with the phrase "Paraya Dhan." Relevant over daughters as they are treated so in many families. Men are also not far from it. If they are earning and trying to figure things out, parents are the first to concern their marriages. Ah, these weddings are then assumed as 'Holy' and 'Sacred.' In my opinion Indian parent's are not generally obsessed with ONLY marriage, they are obsessed with everything their kid does (what they choose to study or what they choose to be) well this is a topic that I would like to talk about on some other blog, but for now, let's try to figure what exactly it is with Indians and marriage, and why I don't want to get married EVER.
For the sake of this blog, I will be using the term Indian Parents ( but it will include Parent's, Uncles, Relatives, Colleagues, and even Friends)
The intention of the blog is not to hurt anyone's feelings, beliefs, or sentiments. These are purely my opinions.
Join The Matrimony Club
In India, as soon as you snuggle down nicely in your lives, parents start the search for a suitable groom or bride. Taking the confirmation from the relatives that you hardly know, friends about whom they probably don't know anything aside from the name, relatives even they haven't seen in decades, the neighbor's maid, and everyone they know. Let's take this fact over the seas and see how they respond to this syndrome.
In some countries, the parents are okay with their children getting married at the age they want. Forcing to tie a knot is not seen in other nations worldwide. Their lay of foundation, values, and principles are different when it comes to upbringing, career, and marriage. Approximately eight out of ten American parents do not pressurize their children's life decisions. The children are expected to choose their life partner with their consent. They prioritize their wedding things according to how they want and even finance the wedding. Parents may offer their helping hand if the marriage will be grand enough and lavish since this phenomenon of helping their children with marriage has now ceased to be visible. They are concerned about making their child grow independent and practical, unlike most Indian parents living in a wrap of social norms.
In India, most parents control the lives of their independent, successful children who are dreaming of making their future more flourishing. Yes, this is common in Indian society. Diverse parents' primary concern from different countries is raising their children with the right values, principles, and ethics. They are holding their children's hand in supporting them in their life's desires and aspirations. Like every parenting choice, they keep hold and don't enforce their preferences on their children. The concept of marriage in different countries is between the options of two individual adults:
Matter of consent
Let's normalize getting married late or not at all getting married. Younger generations are not the only ones who are single and are on the path of late marriages. If we talk according to what the US Census has conducted, people aged 50 and above are not getting married and are happy just by living together with their mate. This figure rose in the millions, 1.4 million in late 2000 to 2.6 million by 2013. Why is it so typical in different countries to get married late or not at all getting married? Well, you may find the answers in the points noted below.
The concept of a live-in relationship is very much in the hive. Two individuals can live together without getting married—resulting in the fact that those individuals no longer feel to get married to step into parenthood.
Many individuals believe that marriages can lead to financial problems as the law in some states had subjected the married, answerable ones for their partner's indebtedness.
Psychologists project getting married, and an individual can lean on to their mate for every sentimental need. Look at them as a source of companionship, intimacy, friendship, care, as a guide, which may leave you sad and depressed if the marriage did not work well or you parted your ways.
According to a survey conducted in 2010 projects, single people feel like there are not many advantages in getting married, financial stability, and happiness. There is a minimal percentage of people who say marriage has an advantageous effect on life. Changing their perspective when it comes to one's work may obstruct others' chances to move further in a career.
Impact of marriage
Every coin has two sides; similarly, marriage's impact on one's life can have advantages and disadvantages. Depending on the norms of marriage. Was it a forced marriage? One has to kill down his or her expectations and dreams to equalize themselves into the social norms. Can such marriage be advantageous? Absolutely NO. Self-satisfaction will lack within the individual. According to the recent German study, the best proof we have is that the researchers examine over 1500 people's personality changes for four years. In this research, approximately 664 couples got married, whereas the rest were single. After four years, the researchers discovered that married couples' personality traits decreased by being extrovert and honest compared to singles though the difference was moderate.
Getting married when you shouldn't get married to an incompatible partner, getting married early, and of course, getting married under pressure. All these factors lead to an unhappy married life. The absence of the knowledge that how to get along with a relationship with trust, build a strong relationship can be a big chunk of my marriages that are failing nowadays. Here are some reasons summarised why people are unhappy in their married life.
Lack of communication
People are unhappy in their marriages, maybe because they aren't aware that communication is one fundamental key for a happy relationship.
You cannot communicate well with your partner if you aren't comfortable with them (which a pressurized marriage leads to). Sharing well with your partner and letting them know your needs and wants, also inclined to hear out theirs is crucial to function.
Fighting over financial things is one common factor that leads to an unhappy marriage. If you are going through a challenging economic phase, you may face many conflicts with your partner. A financial problem dilemma can be grounds for routine stress.
Indian parents feel like if the neighbor's children are getting married, it is high time to make their children tie a knot. Every child has a different personality and mindset to adapt to things. Understanding the parents' worry about their children's future is appropriate. What matters, in the end, is children's happiness.
One fact that we all can agree on, parents are taking confirmation from relatives who got no job other than comparing you with their children, from neighbors and maid about how your life partner could be is an absolute waste. Parents ought to ask their children how they want their spouses to be. Because at the end it's you who's going to be living their whole life.
Parents have to acknowledge that over the past many decades, the concept of marriage has changed. It's more about firstly being self-dependent, self-oriented in your life. Parents should know that society will not go through their good and bad times. Their children will, rather than please the community, think about the betterment of their children.
Millennials are not in a rush.
Today's generation does not bother about getting married soon or want to get married, can doubt in this context. This generation is more self-reliant, wants to mold the future. These days women aspire to do many more things to be independent rather than marry and devote household work time. According to a survey conducted in 2017, 73% of the millennials choose career and self-satisfaction before getting married. They feel like getting married when you are mentally prepared is more important than when you are financially ready. Let this fact be normalized. Is it okay to get married when you want to? Don't let society norms decide your age and status of marriage.
Children should get married when they are ready and not when their parents or relatives want; they are the ones who will be living and contributing to their lives with the person. Arguments that Indian parents throw over us to get married can be, "Mr. Gupta's daughter is getting married," "what will they say'', "your colleagues are getting married when will you." But all this boils down to one note that it is your life, so what matters the most is your perspective and convenience. The funny thing is, many people do get married hoping that the constant nagging will end, but it doesn't.
Once you are married then you are forced with a new set of questions, "when are you starting a family," "when will I get to see my grandkid," so on and on.
The fact is these people will never be happy with what we do or want. People around you like to talk and they will find something or other to talk about. We can't be doing things to make others happy.
We are here to do the right thing which is right according to us and to make ourseves happy.
As an individual and grown-up adult, one should identify his/her priority in life. Set up clear boundaries for others. What they can influence and what not, where they can interfere, and when not.
Marriages can be a beautiful phase, I am sure it must be for some. But if done at the right time with the right person and of course, without anyone's pressure.
Society can never be delighted. So take time to prioritize your must-do's, create a successful life for yourself, build your name, and don't settle for less until you achieve your self-satisfaction phase.
As for me, I am not against Marriage. As a pre-wedding photographer, I make good money out of it.
I love to attend them. I love to dress up for it, I love the show-offs, love to see the wastage of money others do to make theire wedding bigger and better than others, and my favorite thing is getting clicked on weddings (lol).
What I don't believe in is the constitution of Marriage (there's a difference).
I don't think that two adults should get married. I don't believe that Marriage is a solution. In fact in my opinion it's the problem that needs to be solved afterward. We go on solving it, we go on trying to make it work.
If two people love each other then they should be with each other as long as they want. They can spend eternity if the love is pure, equal, and progressive. They shouldn't need approval from a 3rd party (be it priest or court) that now they are meant to be together.
Do we have any ceremony or this kind of arrangement for friendship or other relationships? No.
The moment we bring a legal thing in between things change. Can I ask my best friend to sign a friendship bond? and ask him/her to stay my best friend forever? Right after signing the bond both of us will start feeling awkward, now we will have to do things because we are supposed to do them. It won't come from the heart and won't be genuine (the same reason a lot of you have heard that married couples argue about the decrease in love post marriage.)
What if afterward the friends who signed the friendship bond decide that they don't want to be friends anymore. Imagine the chaos they will have to go through.
Just like this
People in love should just be together and live together, without the need for someone's approval.
They should be best friends, they should be compatible and encouraging. If they want to start a family then they should be able to do so without any requirement of a "Marriage certificate".
I vaguely remember I was probably not even 16. I didn't know what I want to be, or what I aspire to become, but one thing which I was 200% sure of was that I don't want to get married ever.
I am 33 now, not married. Deeply in love, in a live-in realtion and extremely happy.
What do you think about marriage? Do you agree with my opinion or you think I am completely insane.
Let me know in the comment section!
👉 Hi, my name is Bhupendar Singh.
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